April 18, 2014 I found out I was pregnant which at the time made me laugh because it was Good Friday but that was the last thing I was having. I was dating a really great guy for the past 2 and a half months. Things were going as great as possible. He’s a 31 year old divorced father who has his life together and I’m a 24 year old who’s trying to get there. When I called him freaking out, he was surprisingly sweet and calm. He wanted to keep it but all I could think was that I just wasn’t ready; I knew I wanted to be a mom but now was not the time. So the next morning I made the appointment at Planned Parenthood for April 30th to get an abortion. Already I was emotionally distancing myself from what was happening because I knew that if I thought any more about it, that I might want to keep it. I asked him what he thought about me getting an abortion and he said that he was biased because he already has a son, but would be there for me
As the next two weeks went by, I noticed that any time I tried to talk about what was happening, he would just respond with “everything is going to be ok” so I kind of clung to that. After feeling like he was emotionally distancing himself, I realized that I was in this by myself. So day of, I drove myself to Planned Parenthood and was immediately bombarded with protesters begging me to keep my baby. I kind of chuckled because it made me think of Juno. I walk in and the room is packed. I check in and have a seat. It was kind of interesting to see all the women there from all different walks of life. Some married, single, old, young, and every ethnicity. But for some reason I just kept making eye contact with the ones of us who came alone. I didn’t tell anyone I was pregnant. I felt like the more people who knew, the more real it was and I didn’t want it to be my reality. The movie Superstar was playing in the waiting room. I loved that movie as a kid and all I could think about was how the 11 year old me would never guess the place I’d be watching that movie again. I honestly just thought about dumb shit because I didn’t want to face what was really going on. So they call my name and I walk in, I paid the $350 and went back to wait. The waiting game was the worst part. When they called my name again, it was for a sonogram, urine analysis, and blood work. They ask if you want to see it, if you want a picture, and if you want to know if you’re having twins. No, no, and no. I didn’t want to know anything. I go back in the waiting room afterwards. Finally they call me back and I talk to the doctor. They ask a couple routine questions and then begin explaining the process of a medical abortion. There’s two separate pills taken 24 hours apart, they give you nausea medicine and pain killers. You take the first pill in the office and you’re good to leave. After taking the first pill I immediately felt regret. I wanted to puke and run out of the clinic but I managed to keep calm. I drove home and pretended like everything was ok and my roommate had no idea. I took off from work the next day and as soon as it was 24 hours, I took the nausea pills and the pain killers, an hour after that I took the second pill. You’re supposed to leave it between your gums and your cheeks and let it disintegrate for 45 mins or so. 20 minutes in I got so sick. I started puking and experiencing the worst pain I ever felt in my life. Those pills did nothing! For the majority of it I just laid on my bathroom floor crying. Realizing what I did. Feeling my body expel what would be my baby was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life let alone the most painful. No matter how much I distanced myself from this, I had no option but to see it for exactly what it was. I hated myself. I wanted to die right then and there. Somehow I fell asleep and I woke up to my phone ringing. I ignored it and eventually got up to look at my phone. It was a text from my boyfriend “Hey, hope you’re doing ok”. I just put my phone back down. I didn’t sleep that night. I just laid in my bed and cried. I wish I could have taken it all back and I would have given anything to have my child again.
I had work the next day and that was the last place I wanted to be but I needed the money because I just spent a good chunk of my rent on this. I tried to smile and pretend like it was just another day but when I saw my boss, she knew something was wrong. I just broke down sobbing and told her what I did. The next thing she said surprised me; she told me I was brave and that I was strong. She said that I did what was best for me and she was right. I knew this was what I needed to do but it still killed me inside. She also gave me the next couple days off so that I could take care of myself. I’ll always love her for that.
Later that day I finally talked to my boyfriend and told him that I needed some space. As the next two days went on I just kept thinking about it and I got angry. I was so mad that he wasn’t there for me when I needed him most. Eventually we got into an argument via text and he said he would never forgive me for what I did; which I guess he has every right to. Then he said something that’ll probably stick with me for the rest of my life, he said that I just walked away from the best thing that could have ever happened to me. That knocked me down, hard and then he broke up with me.
So there I was, post abortion, emotionally unstable, heartbroken, and alone. Oh and the next day was Mother’s Day.
Eventually I told my roommate and my best friend what happened. They were beyond supportive and have been helping me get better. It’s not an easy road, but now looking back I don’t regret it at all. I did what was best for ME. This is MY life and I’M the one who has to live with it. I was just caught off guard on how much it affected me. Just be prepared for that and know that you’ll come out stronger than before. I know I did.